From the recording Chiaroscuro

Perseveration is a constant theme in my (failure of a) romantic life. I made this song intentionally imbalanced, going from seething and embittered to vulnerable. That’s how I feel, typically, when things end, and I wanted this song to be a reflection of the gamut of emotions that bubble up in the wake of someone going. I tend to blame myself. What could I have done to make you stay? What did I do to make you not want me (at all? Anymore?)? Then switching from that to the perseveration about all of those things he said and did, getting pissed all over again for the time I wasted on someone who cared so apparently little for me. I have the bad habit of letting people say and do really terrible things to me without holding them accountable for saying and doing really terrible things for fear of being “mean” or “them not liking me.” That’s the sick part: that I still miss them. That I still wonder. I seem to get stuck in a cycle of going after people who simply don’t want me or care about me that much. No fault of their own, though. In all honesty, it absolves me, in a way, of having to commit to anything, and then I get to come out of it with no blood on my hands, until I start to drive the nails in, of course. The outro of this song was written many, many years ago and just hasn’t found a home in any song until now. It’s the line I say every time someone tells me, “You’re great, but…” Yeah, I’m great. And you could have had me instead. 


Time and time again, I knew you. Well,
knew it was just a matter of time until
I learned how to stand perfectly still
waiting for your call.
Well I’d say that’s a tall
enough order to fill.
Did I do something wrong
to make you say so long?
It’s not like me to hold
onto something once it goes
but still I wanted you to know
That I miss you
And you’re in every sound I hear
Time and time again I’ve chosen this
Buying love in 60-minute increments
Talking myself out of permanence,
knowing love is cruel
and easily confused
with chemical dependence.
You’re in every sound I hear
Yes, every sound I hear
And time and time again
I knew that this would end
Yes, and end it did my dear
But I did nothing wrong
To make you say so long
So go ahead and go then
As your echo takes control but still
I wanted you to know
That you could have had me instead
But if that’s what you want then
You just go on ahead
You just go on