From the recording Water
I had gone to a lot of trouble of building my wall. I still keep myself fairly guarded, but this guy found his way in. From the moment I saw him, met him, and spoke with him, I had to tell myself, “You know how this is going to end, don’t you?” And I did. But that didn’t stop me. Yes, I am aware of what the rules are, and I’ve played this game before, and so, in some ways, I am okay with how this is going to end. At least I am aware of it. My problem is this: I fall for the wrong people. By wrong, I mean straight. I wonder sometimes if I am intentionally sabotaging myself by developing feelings for people who will never be able to reciprocate them. Perhaps there are issues of abandonment from my past (the whole “everyone just leaves anyway” mentality), and so I love people who will never be able to love me back, thus keeping me safe from actually having to commit to something or someone. It’s a twisted defense, really. I could go into a LOT of psycho-babble about why I do what I do, but that doesn’t enter this song as much as he does. He’s the fourth. I’ve never told anyone that I feel this way about them. What would that help? He would just feel awkward, and potentially would not want to be my friend, and, besides, it wouldn’t change his mind. As great as I am, I am not changing any boy’s mind.
At first I thought that it was my voice saying, "Or would you settle for a brother?" but now I think there's a second person here (him) saying, "I'm sorry I can't love you, but I could still be on your side." I hope that's how it would go if I were to sit him down and say, "Look, this is what's going on. Every time I'm around you I have to fight the urge to hold your hand. You make me ridiculously happy, and I wish I were enough for you." This is one of the beautiful things about writing songs. I get to say whatever I want to whomever I want, and they have no idea I am speaking to them. Or does he know? Even still...it would be nice to be able to say the words, and nicer yet to hear them back.
“We could have been an ‘us,’ you know…”
Lyrics
Here we go againPardon my defenseEven though I had my wallyou somehow still slipped in Same thing as beforeyou said, “The choice is yours:to be saved or to be loved –which do you want more?” Or, would you settle for a brothernotwithstanding all my thorns, andif I sing the song we used to singwould you still sing along? Oh, what shall we sing… Steady as I goI am getting oldand I misplaced the mirror that saidI was beautiful now, stained with regret,who would hold my handbaggage claim called me to saythey haven’t found him yet I’ve come to terms with the delusionthat I could change your mind somehowLove, We could have been,but that was thenI hope you’re happy now